Essays and discussions
The True Nature of God
Disclaimer: I wrote this short story for the Io fanzine, TBD, and it is intended purely for fun and is not (really) intended to offend anybody.
The world is in a terrible mess. I mean, look at it. There are big
cracks all over the place, the surface keeps moving and is totally unstable,
either sinking or falling and parts of it periodically explode. And this
is without even talking about the living bits, there are several libraries
worth of books dealing with those problems. And it all comes down to God.
For centuries, people have asked themselves, why does God allow this to
happen? Why does God allow such horrors as Windows 95, Noel Edmunds and
Well, I can now exclusively reveal the answer to this age old question. God was a cowboy builder. I mean, He has all the classic hallmarks: He takes a full six days to build the Earth when any reputable builder would have done in less than half the time and then disappears and has never been heard of since. Of course, there have been several unconfirmed sightings, but people have been praying for millennia and we don't even get an answering service, He has truly gone.
I would wager that God undercut a reputable builder, saying that He could build it in half the time for half the cost. So what did He do? He cut corners, using low quality materials and shoddy workmanship that started to break down in less than a million years causing the whole surface of the Earth to fracture and break up.
How do I know this? Well, I have gained exclusive access to God's diary of the first seven days, parts of which are now reproduced here.
Day 1: Accidentally blew up the Gaffer's gas oven while making a cup of tea - caused a great Big Bang. The Gaffer was not amused, but luckily, Tony was able to get me another one below cost, best not to ask how. Took advantage of the early nights to leave early.
Day 3: Flooded the whole place out. Had to do some quick thinking
to tell the Gaffer. Told him that it's supposed to be like that. It
has to be done because it "helps with heat distribution problems caused by
a low quality core – not my fault". Have to make a note of that
in case he brings it up again.
Also make note: the damp is causing mildew. If I'm not careful, I'll have a full blown ecology to explain away.
Day 5: Oh me!! I've just seen whales in one of those new oceans. I think that I've got Life to deal with now. That wasn't supposed to happen for weeks yet. I'm not ready for it, and I've absolutely no idea how it happened. Must have been that cheap soil, it probably had loads of nitrates in it, must remember to have a word with Tony about it. It's just a good thing that the Gaffer's away for a few days. I can finish the job by tomorrow and be out of the system before he gets back. Good thing that I've been paid in advance.
Day 6: Had to improvise, got some cheap stuff off Tony and made a sentient species – called it Man. No time to be artistic, so I just made them in my own image and let them loose on the Earth. Didn't have time to do any proper testing. To be honest, I think that they'll probably bugger up the place in no time, but it'll be someone else's problem by then.
Day 7: Phew. Got the job done and got out of there so fast that I left a ring around several of the planets. I doubt that the Gaffer will be pleased about that either. Stopped for a rest and a cuppa at a local café. Reckon that I better pull out of this sector very soon and reopen somewhere else, maybe under a new name...
So there you go then, there's the evidence, make up your own mind. So what happened next? Nobody can be sure, but I would guess that God was taken to the celestial equivalent of an small claims court and subsequently went into liquidation, with the Earth then being forsaken, the astronomical equivalent of an abandoned building. So now you know.
– May 1999