Land Piracy is a Crime: Do not accept it

We did indeed pirate the belongings of a wizard, once, back when times were hard, pickings slim, and measures desperate. Fortunately for us he was senile, and somewhat inept. I’d tell you the bit about the hedgehog, but, well, that’ll always be the Captain’s story. We all thought the raid was a bit worthless, to begin with. The wizard lived in a crap little castle on a crumbling mountain surrounded by shitty farmland; a pustulant boil on the arse end of nowhere. He didn’t have any of the usual wizard gear that would have made it worth our while. Then I found the box.

It was quite unlike anything I’d ever seen before. It was white, and warm, and perfectly smooth, about as long as a man’s arm, but easily four times as thick. There didn’t seem to be any way of opening it, or indeed anything to indicate that it could be opened. Then the Captain got a hold of it, squeezed it a bit, and bashed it off a couple of things. That was just his way, I guess. He didn’t appear to open the box at all, nor was there any sign of it afterwards; one minute he was twisting both ends of the box and biting one of the corners, the next he was holding this ridiculous harpoon gun. That was the annoying thing, too: it worked. The Captain had told us all about his insane idea to harpoon ships from the top of towers for years. It was a dream of his, I suppose. It was clearly impossible; it’s just that no one had the heart to tell him. And then, suddenly, it wasn’t impossible at all, and we were doing it.

We lost a lot of loot to the sea, of course, but we were still doing better than any ten bands of ocean-going pirates you care to name. The Captain was always very careful about where he kept the gun. He slept with it whenever he wasn’t sleeping with someone else, and I suspect that he buried it when he was.

You can find the complete version of Land Piracy is a Crime in issue 55 of TBD.

Stuart Crawford